Prakash! Er... I'm introducing myself. My name is Prakash Singh, qualified man of science. You may call me Dr. Prakash Singh, if you please, although technically I do not technically quite 100% have a doctorate. If you please, you may also just call me Prakash, to avoid confusion with my sister, the other Dr. Singh, who is an actual doctor of science. She does not call me at all, because my overbearing appeals for her charity tried her patience one too many times. It is my one great regret in life that she will no longer give me money.
Even a qualified man of science must pay his lease somehow, so I must find ways for the sacred techniques of science to intersect with the commercial reality of our world. So, I will appeal to the world's love of spying on celebrities, and attempting to capture them for further study. The celebrity is one of the great unknown species: we know they exist, but we have thusfar been unable to determine how, or why. We know that they appear on our televisions and radios, and sometimes they personally send messages to us through secret implants in our teeth, but we don't know the basic scientific facts of their existence: what do they eat? Where do they live? Do they contain prizes?
As a preliminary inquiry into this mystery, I spent a thrilling morning hiding in the yard of Snoop Dogg, one of the leading celebrities in the field of hip hop. For many years he has baffled me with his rhyming speech and his unusual slang, and I was quite excited to observe his habits, study his habitat and hopefully steal valuables from his porch. A report of my findings is below:
8:30 AM: I have found a weakness in the fortifications of Snoop's mansion. By popping the bones in my arms out of place, I managed to squeeze through a small crack in the perimeter. I now find myself in the midst of a very fragrant grove of bushes, with a perfect view of his estate. I had no idea Snoop was such an avid horticulturist.
8:40 AM: I have spied a giant vehicle nearby. It is a massive thing, as big as I imagine several whales sewn together by madmen to be.
9:05 AM: As luck would have it, the vehicle is unlocked and full of treasure! It has a wall of TVs, and all are easily pried loose. I also found a suitcase full of personal effects, some of which I am now wearing. Unfortunately, all this excitement has left me exhausted.
11:12 AM: Woke up in a cold sweat after taking a nap in the back seat. I had that strange dream again, the one where that terrifying bird won't stop insulting my finances. I saw its face this time. It looked like my sister! How long have I been out? My watch is no use, because it is not digital and I have difficulty making sense of the hands.
11:30 AM: I hear noises outside the car, so I think it is time I should leave. I take the suitcase and two of the smaller TVs and make a break for it.
11:40 AM: Snoop's security guards are after me! Or are they dogs? They looked like security guards at first, anyway...
12:12 PM: Ah hah! I am invincible! The dogs grew tired of gnawing on me after a mere 30 minutes, while my grip on the suitcase and TVs remained unwavering! I broke free and rushed back into the lovely-smelling bushes. I wanted to linger a little, but the dogs were still very hungry and I was feeling faint.
12:20 PM: I tossed my plunder over the wall, carefully popped my arms out of place, and made my escape through the tiny crack. I am now safely outside, though I incurred more bite marks and scratches in the process. In spite of some heavy blood loss, today proved a great success! I am delighted with my haul, though I do lament that I could not acquire a lock of Snoop Dogg's hair. Oh, the scientific things I could do with that!
Result: little more is known of Snoop Dogg than when I started. However, I did manage to capture a small armload of his personal belongings, which I will now sell off at very reasonable prices in the name of science, and in the name of being very, very hungry (something about the captivating fragrance of those plants...).
But despite this failure, my quest must continue! Since the world of music has yielded no useful data, I will now attempt to capture one of the great stars of the movie screen: The Incredible Hulk, Hollywood's most notable big green man. Read on for results:
10:48 PM: Sources tell me the Hulk has fled into a nearby forest after an altercation with the military. Why was he fighting the military? I can’t say for certain.
11:02 PM: I have followed a trail of very large footprints leading into a dark cave. I entered, but was greeted by a large, hairy animal that was very unhappy to see me. My shirt is ruined, and I have gained a powerful enemy.
11:24 PM: After a good long think, I have determined that the footprints I followed were not those of the Hulk. Instead, I will attempt to track him using my keenest sense: my sense of social propriety.
11:59 PM: After requesting a formal introduction to the Hulk from a passing raccoon and being violently rebuffed, I have concluded that social propriety will be little use in this situation.
12:09 AM: A stroke of luck? My flashlight catches a large green object moving through the forest at great speed! I run towards it and attempt to tackle it, under the hasty assumption that it is the Hulk.
12:09 AM: The large green object, upon rapid inspection by my face, turns out to be a tree. Maybe I thought it was moving because I was running toward it so fast.
12:12 AM: I have made my peace with the tree.
12:45 AM: I see him! His green skin is glinting in the moonlight, and I feel like we are sharing a beautiful moment. I will slowly and calmly walk up and introduce myself; I’m sure the Hulk is a reasonable man (for lack of better word) who’d be delighted to be my new friend. For science, I will make peace with the Hulk!
3:02 AM: I have spectacularly failed to make peace with the Hulk, but during our struggle I managed to grab a few souvenirs. I am in a great deal of pain.
Though I have once again failed to capture a celebrity, there is a silver lining: I will now sell off the Hulk's personal belongings, and hopefully the proceeds will be enough to pay for my extensive medical bills. You can find this wonderful Hulk material in the Gaia Cash Shop. For more details, please visit my office.