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Intro pt1Edit

The list goes as followed: the landmark name, distance from Barton Town, description of the landmark, the options, and below the options the resulting consequence.

NOTE: Since the Forest route is longer than the desert route, the distance traveled is not equal. For the Western Sea and beyond there are codes with distances next to them, this is the distance traveled when reaching the landmark depending on which route was taken. The codes here are to the Western Sea, the second set of codes can be found when ascending to the sky.

First set of codes:

  • (F) - Distance traveled if forest route was taken
  • (D) - Distance traveled if desert route was taken

Barton Town to ForkEdit

  • Ol Respectable

Distance 150 Miles away

This venerable sequoia has withstood thousands of years of floods, forest fires and assassination attempts by radical anti-tree militants. What would you like to do?

Cut it down for some reason.
You experience terrible guilt for your monstrous actions. This is sure to cause bad luck. Your luck decreases slightly. Bad things are now much more likely to happen on your journey. Oh no!
Take only pictures, leave only footprints.
As you admire the tree, you feel your luck improve. Your luck increases slightly. Good things are now more likely to happen on your journey. Hooray!

  • Ancient Ruined 24-Hour Massage Parlor

Distance 250 Miles away

This seedy structure was cataclysmically destroyed some centuries ago. Clearly, it did not meet with a happy ending.

Go investigate the ruins.
Sifting through the ruins, you find an ancient cache of oils and lotions. You lubricate your ship, slightly increasing your speed. Your ship's speed increases significantly. It will take you a lot less time to cover the same distance.
Continue on the trail.
Your journey continues.

  • Fort Larroquette

Distance 350 Miles away

Within the safe walls of Fort Larroquette, a man approaches offering a trade: "Hey pal, wanna barter for some ammo? I found it in my grandmother's attic.

Trade 25 loot for 10 ammo.
You make the trade.
You gain 10 ammo.
You lose 25 loot.
Continue on the trail.
Your journey continues.

  • Dog in a Shoe

Distance 450 Miles away

A seemingly ordinary oversized novelty shoe is rendered magical by the presence of a dog.

Play with the dog.
The dog is busy


Forest or DesertEdit

Distance 500 Miles away

Louie
"Looks like the path splits here. If we keep going through the forest, it'll take a little longer but we'll have plenty of animals to hunt. The desert is quicker, but my prey is scarce. What do you think?"
Edmund
"Before us lies a choice that will truly test our mettle: we could keep trudging along through the forest, like cowards, or we could risk life and limb with a shortcut through the blistering desert!"
Diedrich
"Hi! Did you know the desert is full of sand and hot rocks and disgusting lizards? It's a real bad place. The forest is nice, though, but it takes a long time to get through."
Sam
"Looks like there's a fork in the road over here... seems like it might be quicker to cut through the desert, but it seems a little dangerous."
Carl
Carl regards the fork in the road with dull-eyed incomprehension. It seems like one of these paths may be significantly more treacherous, but if you wanted help choosing, you shouldn't have picked an elk as your guide.
Continue through the forest 
You continue through the forest.
Cut through the desert 
You head into the desert.


Forest ForkEdit

  • Ancient Ruined 24-Hour Check Cashing Business

Distance 600 Miles away

This business failed centuries ago due to its inconvenient location.

Go explore the ruins.
You find absolutely nothing of value, but you learn some valuable lessons about personal finance.
Continue on the trail.
You continue on the trail

  • Irregular Cow

Distance 700 Miles away

Humiliated by its abnormalities, this cow has decided to exile itself to the deepest woods.

Eat the cow.
After eating the cow, you discover why it's so irregular. Your crew's health decreases significantly.
Try to figure out what's wrong with the cow
After some careful study, you're pretty sure you know what's wrong with the cow.
Continue on the trail
You continue on the trail

  • Fort Moll

Distance 800 Miles away

Within the seedy bowels of Fort Moll, a stranger approaches offering a trade: "Got some food to trade ya. Rest in peace, Sparky. You were a good rhinoceros."

Trade 25 loot for 50 food.
You make the trade.
You gain 50 lbs of food, minus what your crew already ate.
You lose 25 loot.
Continue on the trail.
You continue on the trail

  • Ancient Ruined Family-Style Buffet

Distance 900 Miles away

This buffet was overrun by marauding raccoons who drove it into the ground with negligent business practices.

Go explore the ruins.
You find a cache of petrified, centuries-old ketchup packets. They're probably still good.
You gain 50 lbs of food, minus what your crew already ate.
Continue on the trail.
You continue on the trail

  • Fort Post

Distance 1,100 Miles away

Judging by all the desiccated corpses, you glean that this fort was recently picked clean by ravenous vampires.

Give the corpses a proper burial.
You lose hours putting the bodies to rest, but your good deeds improve your luck. Your luck increases slightly. Good things are now more likely to happen on your journey. Hooray!
You lose 6 hours of travel.
Continue on the trail.
You continue on the trail

  • Ancient Ruined All-Male Revue

Distance 1,200 Miles away

In better days, this site was considered one of the wonders of the ancient world. Now, it's just filled with mummies in thongs and bowties.

Stage an impromptu bachelorette party.
Things get out of hand, and your crewmembers do some things with the mummies that they regret. You pray the pictures never show up on the internet.
You lose 6 hours of travel.
Continue on the trail.
You continue on the trail

  • Fort Anderson

Distance 1,300 Miles away

Within the tender bosom of Fort Anderson, an unlicensed doctor approaches: "Mister, want me to heal you up? I just brewed up a new batch of brain tonic."

Trade 25 loot for 20 party health.
You make the trade.
Your crew's health improves significantly.
You lose 25 loot.
Continue on the trail.
You continue on the trail

  • Terrifyingly Huge Anthill

Distance 1,400 Miles away

Something tells you you'd better not &$%# with this anthill.

&$%# with the anthill.
You really shouldn't have &$%#ed with the anthill. Nobody ever talks about (Crewmate) again. (Crewmate) dies.
Continue on the trail.
You continue on the trail

Desert ForkEdit

  • Imposing Skeleton

Distance 600 Miles away

These bones serve as a grim reminder of the desert's terrible powers.

Examine the bones.
Upon closer inspection, a small plaque reads "brought to you by the desert's terrible powers."
Continue on the trail.
You continue on the trail

  • Party Sphinx

Distance 700 Miles away

You arrive at the Party Sphinx, whose nose seems to have been destroyed by heavy drug use. The ghost of an ancient pharaoh approaches: "Hey dude, want to buy a lucky mummified asp?"

Trade 25 loot for 10 luck.
Your luck increases significantly. Good things are now more likely to happen on your journey. Hooray! You lose 25 loot.
Continue on the trail.
You continue on the trail

  • Burning Bush

Distance 900 Miles away

This bush blazes with strange religious significance. It seems to be trying to talk to you

Talk to the bush.
Just as you're about to engage the bush in conversation, an anthropomorphic bear in a ranger hat extinguishes it. You feel a profound sense of loss.
Continue on the trail.
You continue on the trail

  • Obscene Cactus

Distance 1,000 Miles away

Out of embarrassment, you try not to look directly at this cactus. Just as you're about to sneak a glance, a strange man approaches: "Hey, wanna buy some jerk chicken? I've been jerkin' it all day."

Trade 25 loot for 50 food.
You make the trade. You gain 50 lbs of food, minus what your crew already ate.
You lose 25 loot.
Continue on the trail.
You continue on the trail

Onto the OceanEdit

Distance
1,100 Miles away

  • The desert dunes seamlessly give way to beach dunes, and the relentlessness of the sun relents as you fly onto the Western Sea.

Distance
1,500 Miles away

  • The lush forest grows more sparse as it descends into beach, and just as quickly, the beach gives way to the Western Sea. Flying fish and dolphins swarm around Cruiser, aware of your journey's mission.


Western Sea to ForkEdit

  • HMS Boruff's Bounty

Distance
1,200 Miles away (D)
1,600 Miles away (F)

You find the captain's log: "Day 4: Forgot to bring a crew. Forced to abandon ship and brave the perilous 40-yard swim back to shore."

Go explore the shipwreck.
The cargo hold is full of ping-pong balls, garish wigs, birdfeeders, wax candy lips, breakaway tuxedos, iron-on tattoos, pinecones and obscene novelty pasta.
Continue on the trail.
Your journey continues.

  • Cloud Shaped Like a Butt

Distance
1,300 Miles away (D)
1,700 Miles away (F)

You come across a cloud which looks an awful lot like a butt.

Spend hours giggling at the cloud.
Your crew is refreshed and brimming with morale. Your luck increases slightly. Good things are now more likely to happen on your journey. Hooray!
You lose 6 hours of travel.
Continue on the trail.
Your journey continues.

  • Shady Guy Selling Bootlegged DVDs

Distance
1,400 Miles away (D)
1,800 Miles away (F)

An unscrupulous huckster approaches. "Hey, got any food? I been standing out here for eight months."

Trade 25 food for 50 loot.
You make the trade.
You lose 25 lbs of food in addition to what your crew already ate.
You gain 50 loot.
Continue on the trail.
Your journey continues.

  • HMS Boruff's Gambit

Distance
1,500 Miles away (D)
1,900 Miles away (F)
You find the captain's log: "Day 6: Forgot to bring toilet paper. Forced to abandon ship."

Go explore the shipwreck.
In the cargo hold, you find hundreds of propeller beanies, melted popsicles, belts that look like bacon, slide whistles, wax fruit, discredited ab-workout machines, colloidal silver tablets and teen heartthrob magazines.
Continue on the trail.
You continue on the trail

Volcano or OceanEdit

Distance
1,600 Miles away (D)
2,000 Miles away (F)

Louie
"We are at a crossroads, friends. Shall we brave the deadly volcanic fields or take the longer, safer route of sea? Only you can decide."
Edmund
MISSING text
Diedrich
"Hey, did you know the path splits right here and that you can go one way that is short and dangerous or one that is long and not so dangerous? Well, good luck with your choice! Bye bye!"
Sam
"Uh oh, looks like we've got quite a choice. The volcano field looks faster, but way more hot and deadly. Traveling by sea is safer, but will take a lot longer. What do you say, Cap'n?"
Carl
Carl stares blankly at the fork in the road, unable to give you any useful advice because he is a *@#%ing elk.
Brave the Volcano Fields 
You head into the volcanic fields.
Keep Traveling By the Sea 
You continue over the sea.


Western Sea ForkEdit

  • HMS Boruff's Indomitable Will

Distance
1,700 Miles away (D)
2,100 Miles away (F)

You find the captain's log: "Day 11: Perhaps it was shortsighted to crew my ship entirely with dogs. I should place less trust in the advice of talking octopuses that appear to me in dreams, even if they do speak with the voice of my father."

Go explore the shipwreck.
The cargo hold is filled entirely with toilet paper.
Continue on the trail.
Your journey continues.

  • Frozen Cavemantis

Distance 1,800 Miles away (D)
2,200 Miles away (F)

You encounter a block of ice with a strange caveman frozen inside. You find his leering countenance and awkward posture repulsive.

Defrost the caveman.
You spend a while thawing the gamey Cro-Magnon, but you find his disregard for personal space very disagreeable. You politely part ways. You lose 6 hours of travel.
Continue on the trail.
Your journey continues.

  • Shady Guy Selling Knock-Off Sunglasses

Distance
1,900 Miles away (D)
2,300 Miles away (F)

A charlatan approaches, hawking his inferior wares: "Hey, wanna buy some sunglasses? They're made of cornstarch and pressed ham."

Trade 25 loot for 50 food.
You make the trade.
You gain 50 lbs of food, minus what your crew already ate.
You lose 25 loot.
Continue on the trail.
Your journey continues.

  • HMS Boruff's Moment of Self-Doubt

Distance
2,000 Miles away (D)
2,400 Miles away (F)

You find the captain's log: "Day 14: Forced to abandon ship; I don't know why I thought an all-dog crew would work this time, but I feel like I've learned my lesson now."

Go explore the shipwreck.
The cargo hold is filled with spoiled dog food, squeaky chew toys, dog collars, canine-sized eye patches, dog food bowls, canine-sized peg-legs, dog teen heartthrob magazines, dog ponchos and toilet paper.
Continue on the trail.
Your journey continues.

  • Isla De Esquerra

Distance
2,200 Miles away (D)
2,600 Miles away (F)

There's a starving castaway stranded on this island.

Help the castaway.
You spend some time teaching him to juggle, then leave him and continue your journey.
Continue on the trail.
Your journey continues.

  • HMS Boruff's Insane Hubris

Distance
2,300 Miles away (D)
2,700 Miles away (F)

You find the captain's log: "Day 20: Everything is finally going perfectly! At this rate, I'll be a very rich man when I get to-- wait, what's that sound? Vampires?"

Go explore the shipwreck.
The cargo hold is full of boomerangs, fake vomit, bongo drums, oversized novelty sunglasses, calculator watches, quasi-racist lawn ornaments, hundreds of copies of Boruff's self-published autobiography and the drained corpses of Boruff's ill-fated crew.
Continue on the trail.
Your journey continues.

  • Shady Guy Selling Souvenir Isla de Esquerra Shot Glasses

Distance
2,400 Miles away (D)
2,800 Miles away (F)

An untrustworthy hustler approaches, hoping to barter: "If you buy these shot glasses, I bet your crew will like you better."

Trade 25 loot for 30 shipspeed.
Morale has improved.
Your ship's speed increases significantly. It will take you a lot less time to cover the same distance.
You lose 25 loot.
Continue on the trail.
Your journey continues.

  • That Same Dog in a Shoe

Distance
2,500 Miles away (D)
2,900 Miles away (F)

It's that dog again! How did he beat you here?

Play with the dog.
The dog is still busy. If anything, he's even busier than before.
Continue on the trail.
Your journey continues.

Mount Boom Volcano ForkEdit

  • Volcano Picnic Area

Distance
1,700 Miles away (D)
2,100 Miles away (F)

Aside from the searing temperatures and the toxic ash spewing from all the nearby volcanoes, this looks like a lovely place to enjoy a family picnic.

Stop for a picnic.
You find that you don't have the exact change to pay the day-use fee. You leave hungry and disappointed. (Awwww)
Continue on the trail.
Your journey continues.

  • Huge Unexplained Pile of Corpses National Historic Site

Distance
1,800 Miles away (D)
2,200 Miles away (F)

As you admire one of the national park system's most magnificent natural treasures, a terrified man crawls from the pile: "Gods help me, I've only survived by playing dead. Hey, wanna buy some ammo?"

Trade 25 loot for 10 ammo.
You make the trade.
You gain 10 ammo.
You lose 25 loot.
Continue on the trail.
Your journey continues.

  • Volcano Suggestion Box

Distance
2,000 Miles away (D)
2,400 Miles away (F)

The volcanic park rangers have put up a suggestion box. The plaque reads, "Please let us know what we could do to make your volcanic national park experience more enjoyable and less incredibly deadly."

Write a comment
You write a polite suggestion that the lava fields should have more public restrooms. The slip of paper instantly bursts into flames.
Continue on the trail.
Your journey continues.

  • Natural Hotspring

Distance
2,100 Miles away (D)
2,500 Miles away (F)

This volcanic tourist attraction boasts relaxing mineral baths at a comfortable 850 degrees. A gregarious nude bathing man hollers at you: "Would you like to experience the healing properties of this natural spring? If you make me a hoagie, I'll get outta yer way."

Trade 25 loot for 20 party health.
You make the trade.
Your crew's health improves significantly.
You lose 25 loot
Continue on the trail.
Your journey continues.

Intro pt2Edit

NOTE: There are four possible distances that could/have been traveled, in total these are: Forest to Volcano, Forest to Sea (Cont) Desert to Volcano and Desert to Sea (Cont). These have been put into codes and show the total distance needed to travel to reach that landmark:

Second set of codes:

  • (DW) - Desert/Western Sea Route
  • (DV) - Desert/Volcano Route (Shortest)
  • (FW) - Forest/Western Sea Route (Longest)
  • (FV) - Forest/Volcano Route

Ascending Into the SkyEdit

Distance
2,200 Miles away (D)
2,600 Miles away (F)

  • The skies clear of ash and sulfurous fumes, and the clouds beckon you into them. The Jellyfish is not far off.

Distance
2,600 Miles away (D)
3,000 Miles away (F)

  • The salty sea air grows less fishy and more refreshing as Cruiser ascends into the clouds, growing ever close to the Jellyfish.

Distressed DemigodEdit

  • Gaia 9 Action News Chopper

Distance
2,300 Miles away (DV)
2,700 Miles away (FV)
2,700 Miles away (DW)
3,100 Miles away (FW)

A critically injured pilot drags his ruined body from the wreckage. "I've only got one medkit left, but damn it, I want to die with loot in my pocket. Will you grant me this last request?"

You gain 50 loot.

  • Mirrored Sphere Floating Over a Checkerboard

Distance
2,450 Miles away (DV)
2,850 Miles away (FV)
2,850 Miles away (DW)
3,250 Miles away (FW)

This futuristic landmark promises a utopian future filled with fractals and three-dimensional virtual reality cyberworlds.

Play with the sphere
The sphere is busy.
Continue on the trail.
Your journey continues.

  • Vampire Airship

Distance
2,600 Miles away (DV)
3,000 Miles away (FV)
3,000 Miles away (DW)
3,400 Miles away (FW)

You come across an airship with ominous vampire markings. You know your small crew can't possibly take them on in a straight-up fight.

Attempt to reason with them.
They fail to accept the premises on which you base your argument, and hence disagree with your conclusions. It appears you've reached an impasse. They kill one of you because they're vampires. (Crewmate) dies.
Sneak past and continue on the trail
Your journey continues.

  • Distressed Demigod

Distance
2,700 Miles away (DV)
3,199 Miles away (FV)
3,100 Miles away (DW)
3,500 Miles away (FW)

After an arduous journey full of injury and misadventure, you finally deliver your precious cargo to the wounded jellyfish demigod.

You gain 50 loot.

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